(Christian marriages) If Your Goal is Marriage, Don’t Move In Until You Say I DO!
By Deborrah Cooper
Several years ago I read an article MEN’S HEALTH Magazine which reported that couples who live together first are most likely to NOT get married. The studies further concluded that when cohabitating couples married, they were statistically more likely to divorce.
In college I thought that living together was probably a good idea. We’d both get the opportunity to “see how things worked out” and save money on both rent and utilities. But I’m older now and have a lot more life and relationship experience under my belt. And after spending two decades observing people’s relationships, I’ve come to realize that living together doesn’t do one positive thing for a couple or their relationship. Living together is not the path to a happy, long-lasting marriage.
The Good, The Bad and the Ugly of Cohabitation
Carolyn is an administrative assistant at a major corporation in downtown San Francisco. “There’s a guy on my job now who is shacking up with his fiancee. He doesn’t seem to be as enthusiastic as he was when they weren’t living together. I wonder how that’s going to turn out?”
Regina reports that one of her best friends is experiencing this now. “She and her man have been together 3 years, living together for 1+, and she’s ready to marry. He’s not. Why should he be, he’s got it all right now! What’s the paper going to mean to him? Now, she’s ready to lower her standards (of wanting to be married before she has children, yada yada) and have a child with him (of course with the stupid notion that maybe this will help the relationship move toward marriage. I want to say to her “HELLO! IT AIN’T GONNA HAPPEN. And if it does, do you really want to look back and feel that you had to trap your man into marriage?)!”
Erlinda is a recent college graduate and witnessed “move-in mania” amongst her friends.
“I wouldn’t move in with a boyfriend unless I had a ring and a date. Even then, it would only be a few weeks before the wedding. If we’re getting married toward the end of the month, I would move in at the beginning of the month, but not before then. From what I’ve seen in these shacking up situations, all a woman gets from “playing house” is taken advantage of!”
Older Couples May See Things Differently
Nick and Virginia have both been married and divorced, so the concept of marriage is not a new issue for either. “We’re comfortable and happy and in love” Virginia reports.
“Some of my friends think I need to go on and marry him to catch him, but Nick is already mine! They don’t understand that though. Children are not an issue. We’re both in our early 50s and neither of us can have anymore children. We only have my high school age children with us - his son is almost an adult. So there is no ‘having his baby to catch him” syndrome going on here! The best I can tell you is this, we choose the way we live and we are happy with it. If in the future we get married, we will be happy with that too.”
Should Women Should Avoid “Giving Away the Milk?”
Very often men opt out of marriage after a period of cohabitation. In theory, it appears to be a great solution. However, I feel the better plan is to resist that desire to marry/live together too early and instead, spend time learning as much about your partner as possible before making such a major commitment. Unfortunately, I see many people in relationships and marriages simply to avoid being alone.
The likelihood of marrying takes a nosedive when a couple shacks up. For one, marrying would seem anticlimactic, because seemingly little if anything changes, hence the urgency to marry goes down significantly or even disappears.
Also, if you’re not married, it’s easier to leave the relationship over petty matters. No matter what cohabitating couples say, the commitment of marriage is not the same when a couple shacks up.
David is a 29 year old fireman, and looking forward to the day he marries. “If I feel committed enough to want to live with the woman I’m with, I will buy the ring and ask her to marry me because obviously I feel she’s the woman for me to spend the rest of my life with. Proponents of shacking up will say that if a couple shacks up and doesn’t get married, it’s good that they found out they weren’t meant for each other before they walked down the aisle. To that, I say: if you can’t determine that the person you’re with isn’t someone you can grow with for the rest of your life just from dating them over a period of time without living together, you’re either not very perceptive or not ready to marry anyone at all. My parents have been married for over 26 years. I long to have a marriage like that, and won’t settle for less.”
My Vote: Get Married or Leave it Alone!
I believe that only certain people with a fear of giving themselves over to a commitment would agree to living together. Those fears are what brought the couple into the shacking up arrangement and what keeps them from advancing to marriage and the reason they prefer a situation that is fun and convenient, but also disposable and easily replaceable.
Their attitude of “let’s try this and SEE IF IT WORKS” is a recipe for failure. When a couple approaches marriage with this mindset, what they are actually doing is not taking the time to see if marriage will work and what they need to do to make it work, but instead seeing if it their little setup will fail. They are taking the path of least commitment and setting things up so they can get the benefits of a marital commitment with the least amount of commitment and damage.
Maturity, realistic expectations, an ability to negotiate and compromise, commitment, common values and morals, sharing of resources, and honest open communication are key to any long-term relationship, whether living together or not. You can find out all of these things about your potential partner through dating and conversations - you don’t need to reside under the same roof to find out what you need to know!
When a woman wants marriage and settles for shacking up, she has already lost the battle and her man’s respect. She did not stand up for herself or what she believes in as she chooses to just go with HIS flow.
Things are only going to go down hill from there.
A couple that truly believe in the sanctity of marriage would find no value in living together and therefore would not make living together or having families, buying property etc. without the legal, emotional and spiritual protections and commitments to each other of marriage a lifestyle choice.
(c) 2008 Deborrah Cooper. Deborrah has authored dozens of relationship articles and advice columns on Ask HeartBeat!, which focuses on modern relationships for teens and adults. Her dating guide Sucka Free Love! provides street-smart, hilarious insight into the toughest issues facing singles today. Check out The Sucka Free Dating Radio Talk Show on Wednesday night at 7:00 pm PST.
Dating Online The Right Way
By Julia Solomon
Online dating factory or at least! There are great seats in the Internet where you can find your soul mate. Despite the shuddery behind it, people all over the world have taken a leap to make a change in their lives.
For men, there is not much setback, but for women who have all the right to be very cautious may find it hard to get indulge that easy to this variety of dating.
Undeniably, more men are thorough for women. There are a lot of sites donation precise and cheery online dating experiences. Oftentimes, these sites recommend a very chance to find a helper, if not a lover. You do not have to be alone. There are a lot of people who finally firm to take power of their community lives and thought of customs to converge new people.
Generally, women can be terrified of assembly a man that she has been chatting with online. It is shrewd and justifiable, so be patient. If you are a good guy and all you required to do find the right bout, you will understand womens actions. Rushing clothes will give an impression that you may be a sexual predator, a weirdo or a spoil. This does not put you in a good light.
Being a finicky guy, do not squash her for any delicate information if it is the first time you are chatting. Just keep your conversations light and fun. The eases the tension the woman feels until she becomes comfortable chatting to you online. Never persevere on encounter with her face to face.
In establishing a good relationship is being absolutely direct about manually, how you look physically, what you do, your wellbeing and what your job is. You can never confirm a good relationship on the foundation of lies and fraud. Sooner or later, the character discovers the exactness and dumps you level back in upright one.
Post as many photos of manually to flaunt your everyday customary and activities. As much as feasible make them sated body shots. A picture paints a thousand language and language will show. Ideally, situation movies that have been taken of manually lately; otherwise, you end disappointed when you rally up.
Once the relationship is established link, confidence and expect if the discussion suggests summit one another in persona for the first time, display to greet in a community place. Preferable hours should be during daylight, and imply that she fetch a colleague along with her. Since you have nothing to veil, the only thing left to do is making her feel reliable with you.
Online dating has been proven to command too long-lasting and sincere relationships. Nothing to escape, just poster up and be amazed it starts running the first day and with very good fallout. Should I say cheery ending? Now, the place of the falsehood depends on how you upgrade the relationship. Friends or lovers, only you two can tell how you would give it an ending external of the dating locate.
Information on relationship breakup can be found at the Relationship Guide site.
Find Out Information On Christian Matrimonials And Traditional Weddings
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