(Christian wedding history) How Can You Trust In Relationships After Separation?
By Ben Needles
Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lovd at all so Tennyson tells us.
But there are many now who would disagree with him. Time after time we hear of those whove loved and then endured the pain of separation. This appears to scar some people for life.
The question is not only can you love after separation, but how can you ever trust in relationships again after separation?
First, lets dispel the notion that its easier for the person who leaves to pick up the threads of a new life - especially a new love life. Both of you will have had your trust in relationships shaken. Unless that person is psychologically unbalanced, (which does, of course, happen), separation from a loving partner is not something that most men or women undertake lightly - even in our throwaway society.
Separation from someone you love - however caused, and whoever is the leaver and the left - is always painful. The types of pain may differ, thats all. For example, the person who leaves may suffer guilt, anxiety, massive self doubt and recrimination, not to mention regret and grief.
The person who has been left of course will feel grief too, plus also self doubt, low self esteem, anger - even rage, and perhaps jealousy, especially if theres another party involved in the break up.
So you both hurt, lets make no bones about it.
Here are my tips for learning to trust in relationships again:
* First, let yourself grieve. Its not going to be forever - nothing is. But you need to let it happen. Get counselling if you need to, but weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth are going to be there for the first few weeks probably.
Maybe six months or so later youll still get the odd wave of it. The point is, dont fight it. That just makes it worse because you focus on it more. If you allow it to play itself out, the effect will eventually be like the sun coming out after a storm.
* Second. After a major separation from a love affair, treat yourself to non-cerebral things. By that I mean you cant heal the pain of separation and loss by thinking about it. A shiatsu massage, on the other hand, can make you feel wonderful - even if the effect only lasts for a few hours. (By the way, this is as much for the men as for the ladies - we all need to feel good! The answer - again for either gender - is most definitely not in getting wasted every night with drink! That makes you feel stupid and ill!)
* Avoid vengeance on yourself. Its very tempting to go off looking for love substitutes following a separation. This can take the form of promiscuity, alcohol or drug abuse, or some other form of self harm. This is misplaced and displaced anger. Anger is part of loss, grief and heartbreak, but beat up a pillow, talk to a therapist - or if you cant find one or afford one - phone the Samaritans! You dont have to be on the verge of suicide to talk to them - and they really will help.
* Avoid taking out vengeance on your ex. This will again make you feel bad and, depending on how you do it, could even land you in court or jail. Actually, you wont hurt the other person as much as you think if at all - youll only make yourself look and feel stupid. Its your anger, so its your problem. The antidote is to reach for the next most comforting thought, which may not be the most noble at this stage, but could be something as simple as, I wont always feel like this. Or, (a good one), Actually, its her/his loss. Im a wonderful person. Then have a good gloat!
* Finally, the place to look for love after separation is within yourself. You cant regain happiness by trying to take the other persons life apart. Their not being with you anymore is your signal for a fresh beginning and a pause in your life to re-evaluate what you really want for your love life - maybe for the next five or ten years, (or weeks or months!), or perhaps forever.
Learn to love yourself again. Look for the good in you, not the bad in the other. Acknowledge it, accept it, and soon youll love it - thats you - again.
And thats the beginning of restoring your trust in relationships, love and life!
About the Author (text)
Trevor Emdon is an expert on relationship trust and other self help issues. Check out http://www.trust-in-relationships.com for details of his latest book and free reports.
Do Your Understand What Being In A Relationship Is All About?
By Lo Brow
In relationships, just as in every other aspect of life, the spirit and attitude with which you do things is at least as important as your actual actions. Embrace and incorporate these powerful values, and you will start living with more integrity, honesty, compassion and enthusiasm. This, in turn, will breathe new life into your relationship.
Own your own relationship.
You are fully accountable for your relationship. You can never again believe you’re a martyr suffering in your relationship because of an unworthy partner. Only when you stop seeing yourself as a victim will you start to see yourself as a fully competent and potent force in your relationship.
Accept the risk of vulnerability.
Do not let fear paralyze your life. Wanting, reaching out and letting yourself hope makes you vulnerable. At least by putting yourself on the line, you have the chance of getting what you want, as opposed to hurting with no chance of getting what you want. Not to venture is to lose yourself.
Accept your partner.
If your partner experiences in you the spirit of acceptance, then it is most likely that he/she will find you approachable. Two partners who are moving toward each other, rather than both trying to seek safety from pain, have a dramatically improved chance of reconciliation.
Focus on friendship.
You have to take a step back from the problems and pain of your intimate interactions, and focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Turn back the clock and recall what it was that started the friendship that matured into an intimate relationship.
Promote your partner’s self-esteem.
You must bring the spirit of acceptance into affirmative, interactive action. Find the courage and creativity to promote and protect your partner’s self-esteem, even when you feel compelled to be critical. By using the value of self-esteem, you provide a much more nurturing atmosphere, one your partner will not want to abandon.
Aim your frustrations in the right direction.
Work at sorting out the causes of your frustration, and resist the impulsive temptation to pick at your partner. Once you start seeing that the negative things you perceive in your partner are often things you see in yourself, you will literally alter the nature of your interactions with your partner.
Be up front and forthright.
Nothing can be more frustrating than what is referred to as an incongruent communication, where an individual says one thing yet indicates something dramatically different with his or her nonverbal conduct. Strive to express your feelings in a mature and responsible way. By being honest about your emotions, you base your relationship upon integrity rather than lies and deception.
Make yourself happy instead of right.
Start evaluating the things you do in your relationship based on whether those thoughts, feelings and actions are working. For example, you don’t have to prove over and over that you know what you’re talking about more than your partner. Instead, choose a different emotion such as tolerance, understanding or compassion that does not escalate hostility in your relationship. By deciding to be happy rather than right, you will be receptive to your partner’s attempts to de-escalate hostility and return to civil interactions.
Allow your relationship to transcend turmoil.
Rough times and arguments happen, and one way or another, they are going to impact the relationship. You must vow to no longer use threats as a lever to manipulate and control your partner. By doing so, you are setting a clear limit on the places a spirited discussion with your partner will not go.
Put motion into your emotion.
You must turn the concept of love into a proactive behavior. Don’t be so consumed with negative messages that your expectations are low. You must require yourself and your relationship to truly be better.
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