Christian Matrimonials

By maureen collins

 When you have really good working relationships with your colleagues, you can move mountains. You trust and support one another; you can anticipate problems. Communication is open, easy and often unspoken. It is easy to discuss problems or mistakes and to give and receive feedback. Conversations become creative problem solving sessions and productivity soars. You feel energised just by being in the team together.

When relationships in a team are poor and they start to affect communication, it is a very different story. We usually start off by trying to ignore the problem. We focus on just getting the job done, and hope that the personal stuff will resolve itself. But this seldom works and as time goes on communication becomes more strained and working effectively together becomes more difficult. Productivity drops, the team comes under pressure, and relationships disintegrate further. Often the only thing to do is to take time out and fix the relationship. Once that is done, you can get on with moving mountains.

Conversations about how we relate to each other tend to be some of the most difficult to hold, but in the long term, they can be the most rewarding. They are difficult for a number of reasons. First, it is likely that the people involved see the situation in very different ways. A colleague whose tone of voice you find condescending may be completely unaware of how they sound. A manager who reprimands you in front of colleagues thinks he is merely giving you corrective feedback. An employee whose attitude you find negative and disruptive believes they have a realistic view of events. And the people you thought arrogant and unhelpful? Maybe they were pushing for a deadline and did not even notice you were around!

The risk in holding one of these conversations is high. You might discover that your own behaviour is contributing to the problem. If you do not handle the conversation well, you may damage the relationship further and turn a difficult situation into one that becomes intolerable, making it even more difficult to work together! To make things worse, since the issues are personal, emotions run high. The only certainty is that the longer the conversation is delayed, the worse the problem becomes!

Step up to the conversation, but plan it carefully.

How will you find a time when you can talk without pressure? Where will you have the conversation so people are comfortable and where you have privacy? Think very carefully about the words you will use to open the conversation and how you will do so in a way that sets a constructive tone and avoids an accusation. You want to talk, not fight!

Then think through what has happened that has given rise to your concerns. Was it something that someone said, or did not say? Was it an event, or a situation in which you found yourself? Think of recent examples that everyone can relate to. Be concise and specific.

Then plan how you will describe your feelings about the situation. You must communicate them clearly because they provide the motive power to the conversation. Your description of the events should show how they arose so that others will be able to understand why you feel as you do. For example, if you are upset about a pattern of behaviour, your description of events should illustrate the pattern, not only one instance.

Then, because there are two sides to every story, think about how you will invite the other person into the conversation, and how you will listen to what they say with the same respect that you want them to show to you.

If you plan conversations on this basis you will find that you can discuss many difficult relationship issues and find resolution to them. Once you make a conversation safe, you have a much better chance of getting to the bottom of the problem, and clearing it out of the way. Then you can indeed move mountains!

Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication skills in the business world. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people.

Get free Straight Talk Tips.

http://www.straight-talk.co.za

What do you do when you lose your job?
By Dr. Jennifer Baxt, DMFT, NCC, DCC

 Losing a job, regardless of the reasons, can be an extremely stressful time for anyone, especially if finances are tight. With the way things are going in the economy and stock market these days, many employees, even those who have been with the company a long time, are running the risk of losing their jobs. Companies are trying very hard to stay in business; unfortunately, one of the many things they do to accomplish this is to save money by having fewer salaries and wages to pay. They can no longer keep on as many employees, so they lay some of their workforce off.

It can be frustrating, especially for someone who has been with a company for twenty or so years, to be let go. As if the stress of losing the job wasnt bad enough, other worries start to enter the mind, such as where the money is going to come from to pay the rent or mortgage, where the food will come from for the family and so on. It can be, and is, a lot of weight for one, or even two people within the relationship, to handle. Working through it can seem impossible and there only appears to be nothing but difficulties ahead. Hope is lost, the desire to fight through their troubles is gone and the individual falls into debt and mounting stress.

There is hope and there are ways of getting through this kind of difficulty, but it takes one to stop, take a deep breath and look for help. It can help to talk to someone, to help sort through the mess and chaos created by the loss of a stable situation. Many people will immediately jump to the assumption that there is no help for them or their families, and that the only option for them is to accept defeat with any consequences that may come with it. The truth is that there is help out there for anyone who takes a moment to look and ask for it, and its not necessarily by seeking help from a counselor or therapist in person. There are online counselors who are available to anyone who needs help.

Online counseling is available to anyone who can gain access to the internet and is there so that more people can get the help they need. An online counselor will work with anyone who feels that the stress is becoming too much for them to deal with. Many will shy away from going to therapy to find some help, or even to talk to someone, because they feel too uncomfortable about it. Going through online therapy can be easier because while the confidentiality still exists, the person can communicate with an online therapist from the comfort of their own home. Whether it is just to talk with someone, or to find someone to help them get through this hard time in their life, an online therapist is available through chat rooms, chat forums and e-mail.

Dr. Jennifer Baxt, DMFT, NCC,DCC is the owner of CompleteCounselingSolutions.com which offers a variety of online counseling services. If you would like to know more about Jennifer or any of our online therapists, visit our website.

Relationship Success Strategies - Do You Operate on Values, Integrity and Purpose?
By Ken Donaldson

 I was preparing for a couple of presentations for the Women On the Way (W.O.W.) program at our local St. Petersburg College (my A.A./A.S. degree alma mater).

I am always honored to go back to my old “stomping grounds” to do presentations, but even more so for this group, as most of the people connected with the WOW program are coming back to school after some major life transition.

This program is designed to be a support for their success. They are my heroes, as they all use this support network to help each other be successful.

I do believe the world could learn something from WOW.

The workshop that I was presenting was entitled The Secrets Of Relationship Success: Know Your Roots and Bear Good Fruit. I like to use acronyms when I present, as they are easy for me to remember, and they seem to have a lasting impression on the audience.

There were two that came up that have been very helpful: V.I.P. and S.A.D.

The standard V.I.P. is traditionally translated to Very Important Person, but for the purpose of this workshop it stood for Values, Integrity and Purpose. I believe these three elements build the “foundational triad” which enables us to have fulfilling and lasting relationships. Let me elaborate…

- Values - This is what you determine to be most important in your life. When you know your values, it is easier to make decisions because you know what fits and what doesn’t. Therefore, decisions about what to do, who to share your life with, and when to exit due to a values clash, all become much clearer.

Spend some time this week and write down your ten highest values. Check in with your values list regularly.

- Integrity - Integrity is the path that you walk according to your values. When your actions (your “outer self”) match your values (your “inner self”) you are walking a path of integrity. Integrity comes from the word that means “wholeness”, therefore you live a more whole, or complete life when you stay in your integrity. This path leaves you feeling good about yourself as you will not disrespect your own values as long as you stay on the path.

Write two lists of behavioral indicators; one that reminds you of when you are in integrity, and the other that lets you know when you are leaving your integrity. Review the list daily and commit yourself to the path of integrity.

- Purpose - Your purpose is your own personal “True North”. It becomes the compass of your Life Journey that pulls you forward to your Highest Good. When you know your life purpose, and you live on purpose, you are fulfilled and have an “inner knowing” that you are going in the direction that you will serve you and humankind the best.

Spend some time with the following: The purpose of my life is ___________. Keep working it until it is a perfect “10″ for you. Then, make it a daily mantra that you live by.

On the flipside of V.I.P. is S.A.D…

- Selfless - People who do not know their values or their purpose have difficulty being true to themselves, much less walking their own Life Path. By default, they often succumb to what others value and often find themselves being pulled from one direction to another. They are controlled much of the time by outer influences instead of their inner self.

- Assuming - Because these people have a poor sense of their self, they live by making many assumptions. They often assume that if someone shows them attention or affection, it must be a good thing since it feels good, and they can easily get into a relationship or situation that is unhealthy. They have a poor “filtering” or screening system since they do not know who they really are.

- Dependant - These people are prone to become very dependant. They allow others to make their choices for them. They take on others values. They become fearful of others leaving them due to their dependency, so they often give up more and more of their self the longer they stay involved.

When you live the V.I.P. life, you leave no space to be S.A.D. So…Are you living a V.I.P. or a S.A.D. life?

My vote and encouragement is to put all your energy into being the V.I.P. that you were truly meant to be. After all, you are a Very Important Person…WOW!!

Ken Donaldson has been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. Claim your FREE Relationship Success Special Report at Marry YourSelf First!. Ken is the author of Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.

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