Christian Matrimonials

By maureen collins

 Many of our day to day conversations are routine, safe and easy. They involve making plans, discussing events, and sharing minor concerns. Some of our conversations however are about issues where we see things very differently, where we both feel strongly, and where the stakes are high. These are the conversations that define the quality of our relationships.

We face them in all parts of our lives. These are some of the most common ones.

Giving feedback to employees who do not perform

Discussing standards for disciplining children with our spouse or in-laws

Dealing with friends who let us down

Speaking up to people in authority

Dealing with toxic colleagues

Many of us simply shut down when faced with these conversations, scared that if we speak up with what we think or feel, we will become emotional, say the wrong thing and do damage to our relationships. So we tolerate situations that cause us frustration, inconvenience, or personal distress until the day when we can hold our feelings in no longer. Then we burst out in frustration, anger and outrage.

Learning how to make conversations on difficult subjects safe, is an essential skill in developing good relationships based on open and trusting communication. There are five principles you can follow.

The first is to hold difficult conversations sooner.

This does not mean that you should have conversations in the heat of angry moments. It does mean that you should plan what you are going to say and then as soon as you can find a suitable time and place, have the conversation. The longer you wait to discuss an unhappy situation, the more distressed you become about it and the less able you are to handle it calmly and safely.

Secondly, you should try to suspend judgment.

In every difficult conversation there are at least two sides to the story, and often no right answer. What is the right way to raise children for example? If you go into a conversation to win, to convince the other person that you are right, then you are more likely to end up in an argument than a conversation. Being open minded and willing to listen to the views of the other person goes a long way to making conversations safe.

Recognise that you may be part of the problem!

You can be part of the problem in a difficult conversation in several ways. One of the most common is that you have tolerated a situation for some time without speaking up, and the other person has had no reason to assume that you have been unhappy. If might be an employee whose poor performance or late-coming you have not confronted. It might be a partner or spouse whose work schedule leaves no time for family.

The longer you stay silent, the more you are contributing to the problem!

The fourth principle is to choose your battles.

No matter how skilled you may become in handling difficult people and difficult conversations there will always be some you will choose not to have. The stakes may be too high, and the risk of confrontation may be too great. Perhaps you have tolerated the situation for so long that it would simply be unreasonable to ask for change. Perhaps the issue is not important enough. Consciously choosing the conversations you will handle is an emotionally intelligent decision.

Finally, when you go into a conversation, put the facts first.

When you put facts on the table, you are putting down a safe platform on which a conversation can take place. People may see the facts differently, but the differing views do not change the facts themselves. Facts are just facts. They are not in themselves accusing or threatening.

When you plan conversations around these five principles you will find that it is safe to talk about many topics you never thought you would be able to confront. The result is that you will be able to build more open, trusting and healthier relationships.

Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people. Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za

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By Judy H. Wright

 Human beings have the longest dependency on others than any other living creature. We spend our lives in relationships, either toxic or nurturing. If the family of origin was not supportive and loving, we either repeat that pattern or look for other mentors and teachers.

Can you visualize a closed fist as opposed to an open hand? That is the difference between a closed and dysfunctional group and a learning, sharing and supportive one.

The closed one is turned inward and harsh in judgment and expectations. The open one is welcoming and willing to help others as well as receive help.

Closed or Open Families

When we look at families, either of birth or deliberate connection, we admire and wish to emulate, there are usually a number of variables present in the makeup. One or more are usually absent from a closed or dysfunctional family organizations.

1. Open communication. The members are free to express opinions and make mistakes without losing love. They talk often and freely express feelings and emotions. They look for new ways to encourage each other and don’t just do what has always been done. The family members ask for help, forgiveness and support when it is needed.

2. A sense of “us”. A family is made up of individuals with different needs and abilities. Those individuals form a synergy where the sum of the parts is greater than each one alone. The members of the family know that someone “has their back” and will support their endeavors.

3. Boundaries and guidance. Boundaries and rules of society are not to keep others out, but to keep us safe by understanding the limits of acceptable and unacceptable behavior.

4. Mutual respect. Strong families provide a sense of shared history and traditions. The family actively teaches and models morals, ethics and respect for others.

5. Affectionate and loving. Parents and families who only touch by pushing or pulling do not recognize the value of a loving and kind pat on the head, hug or kiss. Words and actions of love and acceptance are experienced daily in strong families and then radiated out to the world.

6. A sense of optimism and hope for the future. Families that are connected are strong in good times and bad. They model positive coping strategies and recognize life lessons in occasional failures.

Can you and your family change, even if negative patterns have been established over a long period of time? The answer is yes. The more we know, the more we grow.

(c) Judy H. Wright also known as Auntie Artichoke, family relationship coach and author.

You are invited to join us for Thursday morning teleclasses and radio shows at www.ArtichokePress.com You will be glad you did.

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christian marriages

By maureen collins

 We face difficult conversations every day. They can be with our children, our parents, family members and spouses; with colleagues, employees and with the boss; with friends and neighbors; with tenants, landlords, business partners, and in the sports team.

Sometimes these conversations are about the big issues of race, religion, gender and politics. More often than not they are about common everyday issues.

At work, conversations involving feedback on poor performance are difficult for both managers and employees. When we share open plan office space we argue over the background music and how loudly people talk and laugh. In families, conversations about disciplining children and how household chores should be shared are often difficult. Neighbors get into damaging arguments about dogs, noise and parking problems, then go to court, or move house.

Most of us wish we could avoid the conversations about money that we sometimes face with our bank managers, business partners or spouses, and sometimes with our children and siblings!

We put these conversations off for as long as we can because we know they are likely to involve heated argument, blame or accusation and often end up in emotional outbursts of tears or anger. It is simply not safe to get into them! The stakes are high. We might make fools of ourselves, damage a relationship for ever, or make it impossible to work constructively with someone in the future.

At the same time, most of us realize that swinging from stony silence into emotional argument and back again is not good in any relationship. You can start to improve your communication skills by recognizing four of the most common mistakes you are likely to make that can make difficult conversations disastrous.

You talk too much!

When we talk about something that is sensitive, personal and difficult, we often talk around the subject, not being specific, trying to be polite, hoping the other person will somehow pick up the meaning.

However, you may say so much that they are unable to work out what you are getting at and you only succeed in adding confusion to an already difficult conversation. You may also by accident say something exaggerated or accusing and cause a defensive reaction.

Plan what you need to say, then choose the most simple way of saying it. The fewer words you use to open a conversation and explain the problem as you see it, the safer you will be.

You think you know everything!

When we feel strongly about something we are usually convinced that we have got all the facts at our finger tips and that we know exactly what is going on. We also are quite sure we know who is right and who is wrong! So we go into a conversation primarily to get the other person to agree with us. We say to ourselves: If I can just get her to see, or: If they will just do.

The more the other person resists, perhaps trying to offer their own viewpoint, the harder you push to get your way. However, you rarely, if ever, know all the facts in a complex conversation, and you cannot always be right!

You must go into difficult conversations about complex issues prepared to listen, and prepared to consider the viewpoint of the other person.

You blame everyone except yourself!

It is tempting to see every problem as the fault of someone else. If THEY would perform to the agreed standards: if THEY would just stick to the rules: if THEY would do what they promised; then there would not be a problem. The fact is that if you are part of the situation, you are in some way also part of the problem.

Are you sure you made your instructions clear? Did you clarify priorities? Did you set clear standards? Did you get commitment to these standards?

You need to remember that you may be as much part of the problem as anyone else.

You go straight to action!

It is tempting to offer an immediate solution to the problem in a difficult conversation, so you can end it quickly. Avoid this temptation! Slow down. You need to hear all sides of the story, and the other person needs to know that their opinions and feelings have been heard.

If you push too quickly for your own solution it is likely that others will not be committed to the outcome. You will think you have solved the problem only to find that nothing changes and you are back to square one after the conversation.

These four mistakes account for many of the problems we face in difficult conversations. If you can avoid them you will find that your communication skills will improve noticeably.

Maureen Collins trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people in her consulting practice, Straight Talk. She has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She consults in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za

What do you do when your teenager starts drinking?
By Dr. Jennifer Baxt, DMFT, NCC, DCC

 Lets be honest, the problem of teenage drinking doesnt enter the mind of most parents, especially when looking into those innocent eyes of a baby. How can they possibly grow into a teenager with an alcohol problem? It may not seem possible that it could happen to your child, but the reality is that it can and for many it will. Turning a blind eye to the possible problem and not taking any preventive measures will only make it more likely to happen. It will also most likely mean that getting the teenager to accept they have a drinking problem and deal with it will be more difficult to do.

Raising children in a healthy family relationship is the first step in helping to prevent that situation. Next is being open with your child and reassuring them that you are there to support them and help them through whatever difficulties they may go through in life. Lastly, it is to discourage the act of allowing underage children the odd drink with special meals and/or special occasions. It is not uncommon for many parents to allow their children a small glass of wine during a toast at a special dinner or occasion; unfortunately, they are introducing their children to alcohol before they understand the responsibilities that come with drinking. Besides that, alcohol is, basically, a poison to the body and can cause harm to those who drink too much at one time. Being the responsible parent who realizes that teen drinking is a very real problem in todays world will not only seek to educate their children early on about the problems associated with drinking, they will also develop an open relationship with their children so that they feel they have support from family instead of turning to substance abuse for the answer. This effort, of course, does not entirely guarantee that your teenager will not develop a drinking problem. Keeping an eye open for signs of trouble, such as a change of personality or attitude, is a good way to be aware of whether the teenager may be developing such a problem.

If your teenager were to develop a drinking problem, catching it as soon as possible and dealing with it immediately will ensure a better chance that the teenager can deal with it; however, many parents are at a loss of what to do. Fortunately, the internet is a resource that can be crucial to helping a parent to pull their teenager away from their problem. Consulting an online counselor is a great idea for anyone who doesnt know what to do. Online counselors offer their services online so that they are accessible to anyone who needs some help. Speaking with an online therapist may also be more comfortable for the teenager because they may not feel that their space or business is being invaded too much. Online therapy could be beneficial to both the parents and their troubled teen because they can get the advice and help they need in the comfort of their home.

Jennifer Baxt is the owner of CompleteCounselingSolutions.com which offers a variety of online counseling services. If you would like to know more about Jennifer or any of our online therapists, visit our website.

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christian marriages

By Lawrence J. Reaves

 When two people are in love, it’s natural for them to begin considering marriage. They start thinking about what life might be like together. Some couples approach it casually while others obsess over the idea. Eventually, one partner may propose marriage to the other. If the other partner agrees, they become engaged. At that point, the expectation of both partners (along with their friends and families) is to get married sometime in the future.

Getting engaged is a major step forward for any relationship. In this article, we’ll describe what it means to be engaged to your partner. We’ll also provide a few tips regarding the engagement ring and how to deal with friends’ jealousy.

What Being Engaged Means

Western societies have followed the same approach to getting engaged for generations. Two people date for awhile until they decide to spend their lives together. Once a marriage proposal is offered and accepted, a date is usually set for them to be married.

Being engaged means preparing for a lifetime spent together in marriage. Any thoughts of pursuing other relationships are tossed away. Doubts regarding the level of commitment, trust, and intimacy between the partners should be resolved. In effect, engagement is a preparatory stage before marriage.

Knowing For Sure

So, how do you know that the person to whom you’re engaged is the one you’d like to spend the rest of your life with? It’s largely a matter of examining your goals. Besides enjoying the satisfaction of being in love with each other, you’ll need to understand how your goals fit in with those of your partner. For example, if you want to have children and raise a family, it’s important that your partner wants the same.

The Engagement Ring

When proposing marriage, the man will present his partner with an engagement ring. It signifies both a gift and a promise to be married. Prices are often lower than those for wedding rings. They’re simpler in design and sometimes lack gems or diamonds. More than ever, couples are shopping for engagement rings together. While doing so eliminates any chance of surprising one partner with a marriage proposal, it also ensures that the ring matches her taste and preference. It’s also a good idea to shop for a wedding ring at the same time as both rings will need to complement each other.

Dealing With Friends’ Jealousy

It’s not uncommon for the friends of one or both partners to feel jealous when their friend becomes engaged. Often, it’s due to a subtle competitiveness. That is, a friend may not be able to understand why they are not getting engaged themselves. If you have a friend who seems jealous, don’t let it slide. Be upfront about it and try to resolve the problem quickly. It’s fine to be humble about your engagement in an effort to not make them jealous. But, it’s also appropriate to be excited about it. You shouldn’t have to hide that excitement.

The Planning Begins

A lot of planning takes place between the two partners after the marriage proposal is accepted. In the short term, most of the planning is devoted to the upcoming wedding, reception, and honeymoon. In the long term, factors such as having children, buying a house, and other plans are considered. There’s a dramatic change in perspective between the two partners as they move from a dating relationship to planning their lives together.

Getting engaged is an exciting, and sometimes daunting, stage before marriage. By remaining communicative, loving, and considerate toward each other, both partners can approach their marriage confidently with anticipation for what lies ahead.

By Lawrence Reaves Danforth Diamond the leader in providing affordable
“http://www.danforthdiamond.com/”>engagement rings and other diamond jewelry. DanforthDiamond.com has a large collection of engagement rings, wedding rings, solitaires, loose diamonds and wedding jewelry.

Find Out Information On Christian Matrimonials And Traditional Weddings

How to Free Your Partner and Why is it So Difficult?
By Vicka Tanski

 In every relationship there are permitted and forbidden things. Sometimes we decide what are that things together with our partner and sometimes just in our mind.

How do we decide where the edge is and how much we can free our lover?

It depends on how much we love OURSELVES. It’s not a mistake, I really mean us. There is no connection to how much we love our partner.

The real reason to difficulty to free is FEAR:

1) We are afraid that our lover will enjoy the freedom and all the things that he meet there and will not want any more to come back to us.

2) When he/she enjoy someone very attractive from the opposite gender, it can be difficult because all we’ll see: I’m not good enough, or beautiful enough.

3) When we believe that we are not whole and not completed, we will want our partner to fill that lack. We will try to keep them close, because if they go we will have to face that hole inside, that lack of self love. And it can be painful.

But think, do you really want to be with someone, who stays with you only because he has no choice? Or
with one who is with you because he wants to?

Do you think that anything someone does can really heart you? It can’t even touch you!

All your feelings are just a reaction to judgment of the situation, to your thoughts. The reaction to the stories you are telling to yourself about what is happening. Stop to believe to that stupid stories and the suffering will disappear.

When you realize that all you are afraid of is unreal, that it’s only in your mind, there will not be any problem to free your partner. It’s absolutely his own business what he has in his life except you. Just as it’s your business what you are doing with yourself and with your life.

Be one with another to celebrate, not to run away from yourself. When the relationship comes from the right place, there is no problem to free one another. You don’t depend on anyone to feel great.

To get more practical tips on living in spiritual, mental and financial freedom, sign up to my newsletter here: http://www.The-Way-to-Freedom.com/?ref=jshtfy3

To your freedom,
Vicka Tanski.

Your Source For Dating Information, Tips And Newschristian wedding history

By Lawrence J. Reaves

 When two people are in love, it’s natural for them to begin considering marriage. They start thinking about what life might be like together. Some couples approach it casually while others obsess over the idea. Eventually, one partner may propose marriage to the other. If the other partner agrees, they become engaged. At that point, the expectation of both partners (along with their friends and families) is to get married sometime in the future.

Getting engaged is a major step forward for any relationship. In this article, we’ll describe what it means to be engaged to your partner. We’ll also provide a few tips regarding the engagement ring and how to deal with friends’ jealousy.

What Being Engaged Means

Western societies have followed the same approach to getting engaged for generations. Two people date for awhile until they decide to spend their lives together. Once a marriage proposal is offered and accepted, a date is usually set for them to be married.

Being engaged means preparing for a lifetime spent together in marriage. Any thoughts of pursuing other relationships are tossed away. Doubts regarding the level of commitment, trust, and intimacy between the partners should be resolved. In effect, engagement is a preparatory stage before marriage.

Knowing For Sure

So, how do you know that the person to whom you’re engaged is the one you’d like to spend the rest of your life with? It’s largely a matter of examining your goals. Besides enjoying the satisfaction of being in love with each other, you’ll need to understand how your goals fit in with those of your partner. For example, if you want to have children and raise a family, it’s important that your partner wants the same.

The Engagement Ring

When proposing marriage, the man will present his partner with an engagement ring. It signifies both a gift and a promise to be married. Prices are often lower than those for wedding rings. They’re simpler in design and sometimes lack gems or diamonds. More than ever, couples are shopping for engagement rings together. While doing so eliminates any chance of surprising one partner with a marriage proposal, it also ensures that the ring matches her taste and preference. It’s also a good idea to shop for a wedding ring at the same time as both rings will need to complement each other.

Dealing With Friends’ Jealousy

It’s not uncommon for the friends of one or both partners to feel jealous when their friend becomes engaged. Often, it’s due to a subtle competitiveness. That is, a friend may not be able to understand why they are not getting engaged themselves. If you have a friend who seems jealous, don’t let it slide. Be upfront about it and try to resolve the problem quickly. It’s fine to be humble about your engagement in an effort to not make them jealous. But, it’s also appropriate to be excited about it. You shouldn’t have to hide that excitement.

The Planning Begins

A lot of planning takes place between the two partners after the marriage proposal is accepted. In the short term, most of the planning is devoted to the upcoming wedding, reception, and honeymoon. In the long term, factors such as having children, buying a house, and other plans are considered. There’s a dramatic change in perspective between the two partners as they move from a dating relationship to planning their lives together.

Getting engaged is an exciting, and sometimes daunting, stage before marriage. By remaining communicative, loving, and considerate toward each other, both partners can approach their marriage confidently with anticipation for what lies ahead.

By Lawrence Reaves Danforth Diamond the leader in providing affordable
“http://www.danforthdiamond.com/”>engagement rings and other diamond jewelry. DanforthDiamond.com has a large collection of engagement rings, wedding rings, solitaires, loose diamonds and wedding jewelry.

Find Out Information On Christian Matrimonials And Traditional Weddings

Improve Your Relationships By Learning How to Communicate Through Safe Conversations
By maureen collins

 Many of our day to day conversations are routine, safe and easy. They involve making plans, discussing events, and sharing minor concerns. Some of our conversations however are about issues where we see things very differently, where we both feel strongly, and where the stakes are high. These are the conversations that define the quality of our relationships.

We face them in all parts of our lives. These are some of the most common ones.

Giving feedback to employees who do not perform

Discussing standards for disciplining children with our spouse or in-laws

Dealing with friends who let us down

Speaking up to people in authority

Dealing with toxic colleagues

Many of us simply shut down when faced with these conversations, scared that if we speak up with what we think or feel, we will become emotional, say the wrong thing and do damage to our relationships. So we tolerate situations that cause us frustration, inconvenience, or personal distress until the day when we can hold our feelings in no longer. Then we burst out in frustration, anger and outrage.

Learning how to make conversations on difficult subjects safe, is an essential skill in developing good relationships based on open and trusting communication. There are five principles you can follow.

The first is to hold difficult conversations sooner.

This does not mean that you should have conversations in the heat of angry moments. It does mean that you should plan what you are going to say and then as soon as you can find a suitable time and place, have the conversation. The longer you wait to discuss an unhappy situation, the more distressed you become about it and the less able you are to handle it calmly and safely.

Secondly, you should try to suspend judgment.

In every difficult conversation there are at least two sides to the story, and often no right answer. What is the right way to raise children for example? If you go into a conversation to win, to convince the other person that you are right, then you are more likely to end up in an argument than a conversation. Being open minded and willing to listen to the views of the other person goes a long way to making conversations safe.

Recognise that you may be part of the problem!

You can be part of the problem in a difficult conversation in several ways. One of the most common is that you have tolerated a situation for some time without speaking up, and the other person has had no reason to assume that you have been unhappy. If might be an employee whose poor performance or late-coming you have not confronted. It might be a partner or spouse whose work schedule leaves no time for family.

The longer you stay silent, the more you are contributing to the problem!

The fourth principle is to choose your battles.

No matter how skilled you may become in handling difficult people and difficult conversations there will always be some you will choose not to have. The stakes may be too high, and the risk of confrontation may be too great. Perhaps you have tolerated the situation for so long that it would simply be unreasonable to ask for change. Perhaps the issue is not important enough. Consciously choosing the conversations you will handle is an emotionally intelligent decision.

Finally, when you go into a conversation, put the facts first.

When you put facts on the table, you are putting down a safe platform on which a conversation can take place. People may see the facts differently, but the differing views do not change the facts themselves. Facts are just facts. They are not in themselves accusing or threatening.

When you plan conversations around these five principles you will find that it is safe to talk about many topics you never thought you would be able to confront. The result is that you will be able to build more open, trusting and healthier relationships.

Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people. Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za

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